I don’t much know how to talk to most people. I am more emotional than most
people. To an excess I would say
which can make life difficult to handle because the smallest things affect me
in large ways. Some people simply
cannot let the little things go because we know how they can cascade leaving us
destroyed and alone trying to find logic within madness. Nature and nurture coming together to
fuck with your mind or mine in this case.
I made TO seem like Payton Manning.
I got kicked off more teams than I played on when it came to
sports. My temper and inability to
take criticism didn’t lend itself to getting along with coaches and people on a
good day. The only reason some put
up with me was because I would run through a wall to win a game. I am slow and white but man I had
heart. Basketball was something
where I could see a direct correlation between time in the gym versus success
on the court. It was the first time
in my life I was good at something.
It is the only time in my life I have ever come close to being great in
the confined geographic area of Edmonton, AB.
In Junior high because kids bullied me I ended up going to
the high school to do Olympic weight lifting. I got kicked off my grade 9 ball team after I got lippy with my
coach who spent more time putting us down than building us up. I saw that coach a few years later and
man if I wouldn’t of gotten arrested I would of put his head through a
wall.
How fucked up was I at that point of my life? I almost got kicked off my grade 9
volleyball team. I was a little and lot messed up at that point
at my life. In some ways I was
lucky because there were teachers who invested time trying to help me get on
track. I don’t even think my dad
knew when I was a Edmonton, Journal All-star. The thing about teachers and coaches is they have to be
ready to be a parent because that is what you have to do as a kid that is
messed up. You find surrogates in
a way who for short times teach you how to be a man in my case.
Most times you never really talked about the painful
stuff. The secrets we fear people
will find out, the consequence of that knowledge when contrasted with fucken
ideologies of man and how that fear can twist us in ways that are not good. It was a conversation while
playing a game of 21. Learning how
to simply interact with others.
The things you might get from parents who cared enough to show up. Not only their fault. Society made us all feel like we
worthless because we were poor. When
you are poor you are afraid to go outside. Afraid people will ask you what you do.
Basketball court was the only place I ever felt safe to be
me. Wild and beautiful although
fucken crazy. Not making it
up. Ask anyone who played with me
or against me. It didn’t matter
how nice my shoes were or my hair.
I knew I could physically dominate the person across from me. I hated the idea of losing. I feared it like the plague. It was like I was free on the court and
man when the ball touched my hands I forgot all my inner doubts, self hate,
emotional problems and it was just me, my teammates and a beautiful game called
basketball. A place where poor,
messed up fuckers like myself could succeed. At least in my confined geographic region. I had no illusions of ever being able
to play in the NBA or even US college.
I was white and slow. At
best I would be a guy who would play 2 minutes a game at a small US college as
a hack a shaq.
You can call be Geba, a guy who if he hada a little more
emotional control might of bothered to get a god dam education along the way
playing college ball in the small, flat and brown mini texas we call Edmonton,
AB.
